When you want to build muscle, you start by tearing it. You work out, you lift weights — and that burn you feel in your arms and your legs is the fiber of your muscle ripping. What happens next? The muscle knits itself back together, stronger than before.
Trauma bonding works in a similar fashion; frequent fights, blow-ups, and breakups are followed by grand gestures, proclamations of love, and promises to never repeat the process again. Just like your muscles, the bond gets stronger.
Unfortunately, trauma bonds usually go hand-in-hand with unhealthy relationships. What happens when the person you love is also someone who won’t stop hurting you? A trauma bond is formed when an abused person forms an intense personal attachment to the person who abuses them. Here are four common signs of trauma bonding to watch out for:
1. A Cycle of Abuse
Abusive relationships almost always follow a similar pattern of tension, violence, and reconciliation. Frustration, anger, and stress builds up until suddenly the abuser lashes out through either physical or emotional violence. They may lash out with a terrifying rage, or they may do something to intentionally hurt their partner — by cheating on them, degrading them, or humiliating them.
During the reconciliation phase, the abuser will often make grand gestures, profess their love, or promise the abuse won’t happen again. The abused partner feels a rush of relief, love, and joy.
Instead of escaping from the situation, we learn to wait for relief.
2. Covering Bad Behavior
In an abusive relationship where a trauma bond has formed, the abused partner often covers up for the bad behavior of their abuser. They make excuses for the things they’ve done. They may blame drug or alcohol abuse on stress at work, or fault the other woman for seducing their husband. They’ll do what they can to keep friends & family from finding out about what’s going on behind closed doors.
Some of the ways they may cover for an accuser include:
- Distancing themselves from friends & family members.
- Ignoring & excusing reckless behaviors, such as gambling.
- Engaging in secretive behaviors to avoid conflict.
Sometimes these behaviors can be quite extreme — they may result in someone lying to the police, stealing to cover for lost finances, or compromising their own values in a futile effort to keep their abuser happy.
3. Ignoring Red Flags
The early stages of a new relationship can be intoxicating, and abusers are often able to suppress their worst impulses during that honeymoon period. There may be plenty of red flags to watch out for at the start — stories that should raise red flags are disregarded. It’s easier to ignore them and commit to romantic fantasy instead.
If you feel a tendency to leave out or minimize important details and red flags when talking to your friends and family about a new romantic partner, take a moment to consider what you’re doing. On the one hand, you have people who you love and trust, and on the other you have a stranger who’s setting off alarm bells.
Your friends and family can’t give you the advice you need if you aren’t truthful with them. Hiding the truth will leave you feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and isolated down the line.
4. Lack of Consistency
Relationships with a trauma bond frequently lack consistency. You set boundaries and red lines that you expect your partner to respect, but they keep crossing them. What’s worse, you keep letting them. Maybe you justify their behavior with an excuse, or maybe you minimize what they did as not being that bad. Regardless, when the only thing that’s consistent is their capacity to break promises and violate boundaries, it may be a sign of trauma bonding.
Schedule a Consultation
Trauma bonds are intense and powerful. They’re chemical in nature and cloud our judgment. We can work with you to help you understand and process your feelings in a safe, supportive environment. Reach out to learn more about trauma therapy.