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Seven Ways to Build a Healthier Attachment Style

By Antoinette Peterson

Experiences in childhood can have a significant impact on the way we form relationships that persists long into adulthood. Our attachment styles — patterns that help explain how one behaves in a relationship– strongly influence the way we think and act in our relationships with anyone from our friends to a romantic partner. Therefore, when our attachment style is anxious, fearful, or avoidant, it can be difficult to show up in relationships in a healthy way. In this blog post, we will go over seven ways to build a healthier attachment style. 

Understanding Attachment Styles

So what does a healthy attachment style look like anyway? Adults with secure attachment styles are often those who are comfortable with emotional expression, are more susceptible to trusting others, and respect boundaries. These individuals can recognize harm and have flexible emotional temperaments when it comes to rejection.

In addition to a secure attachment style, there are three other main attachment styles:

  • Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment: You may often feel insecure about your relationship and wonder whether the love you receive is true or lasting. Adults with anxious attachment might idolize the process of love yet fear that it will escape them through a partner’s abandonment or rejection of them
  • Dismissive Avoidant: Adults with dismissive attachment styles may experience short, surface-level relationships marked by hyper-independence, emotional distance, and lack of shared problem-solving. You might be used to suffering in silence or isolation, so having a partner around to lean on may feel overwhelming or strange.
  • Fearful Avoidant: You probably feel the pull to be loved, yet work tirelessly to maintain your independence to avoid being hurt. Adults with fearful/avoidant attachment styles may feel like their emotions are “too much”, that they are inconsistent with what they want with partners, and anticipate pain.

If you feel that you do not have a secure attachment style, below are seven ways you can work to build a healthier one: 

  1. Understand your own attachment style. Knowing your  attachment style can help you gain insight into your patterns of behavior, ultimately allowing you to form a more secure attachment with others down the line. 
  2. Practice emotional availability. This means being present and in tune with the emotions and needs of others. In doing so, you can foster a secure attachment through emotional connection and mutual understanding.
  3. Work on setting boundaries. Being able and willing to set and clearly communicate healthy boundaries is a key component for healthy attachment. Boundaries can promote emotional safety, autonomy, and respect across all types of relationships. 
  4. Seek out partners with a secure attachment style. Attempting to develop a secure attachment style can be completely overridden by an individual with an unhealthy attachment style. A positive experience with a securely attached individual can help suppress your insecure impulses.
  5. Learn to manage your emotions. Regulating your emotions and learning to practice self soothing techniques can help you approach relationships with a calm and relaxed mindset.
  6. Foster open communication with your partner. Being able to clearly communicate your needs, desires, and concerns with a romantic partner are essential, as this skill is foundational in developing a secure attachment style. Open communication helps deepen trust and emotional connection, as well as resolve conflict.
  7. Seek professional help. Significant trauma or attachment-related challenges may be better addressed with the help of a licensed therapist, as they can provide more detailed insight toward your attachment style and further support  your development toward secure attachment. 

How New Perspective Counseling Can Help

Though it might feel hard to imagine at times, It’s possible to set aside patterns of unhealthy attachment behavior and replace them with healthier ones instead. Therapy is an excellent tool for respecting your needs and creating healthy relationships going forward. If you’re interested in learning more, reach out to schedule a free consultation for individual therapy.