How to Tell if You Are In a Relationship with a Narcissist

Intimate relationships can be a rewarding and healthy part of a life. However, when you find yourself in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, things can take a dark turn. Narcissistic abuse is defined as an emotionally abusive behavior on the part of the individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Because of the emotional nature of this type of abuse, it can often be difficult to identify, especially as self-doubt and manipulation impact your judgement.  In this blog post, we will discuss what narcissistic abuse looks like in romantic relationships, and how to get out and recover from that relationship.

How to tell if you are in a relationship with a narcissist

A relationship with someone who has NPD can be difficult and emotionally draining. The signs of these often toxic relationships can be difficult to spot when you are in the thick of it, but they will typically leave you feeling rejected and alone. Below are just a few signs you are in a relationship with a narcissist

• When you first met them, they seemed perfect. They may have been affectionate, generous, and kind, keeping up this behavior until you trusted them and felt you were on the same page. Then, a narcissist will often begin the cycle of devaluation and abuse, with their charm going out the window. 
• Everything is always about them. Each conversation you have with your narcissistic partner almost always leads back to their feelings and experiences. They may interrupt you to bring attention back to themselves, or dismiss and correct you if their opinion differs from theirs. 
• They don’t have many friends.  A narcissist will often have few long term friends because of the one-sided nature of their relationship. If they do have a long term friend, it is likely a narcissist/empath relationship that is able to function because the friend utilizes people-pleasing to feel good about him or herself. 
• They disregard your boundaries. A narcissist is deeply insecure, and therefore compensates by working to control everything they can. Because of this, a narcissist will often blatantly disregard any boundaries you have in order to maintain a sense of control. 
• They are manipulative. Narcissists will often portray themselves as victims of unfair circumstances. By doing so, they are able to guilt or persuade you into doing things that serve their needs but may not be in your best interest.

Understanding the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The above are just a few of many signs of narcissistic behavior in relationships. In addition to these signs, it is critical to recognize and understand the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle involves four phases: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. Idealization is the first stage, and involves showering you with affection and praise, love-bombing, and presenting as the perfect partner. Devaluation occurs when they begin to first plant the seeds of self-doubt and manipulation. This will often involve criticism, and leave you with deep emotional pain. 

The third stage–discard–involves the narcissist either withdrawing affection completely or leaving  the relationship abruptly. After this, the narcissist will begin the hoovering process, in which they attempt to suck you back into the cycle, often presenting themselves as “changed” or displaying brief moments of charm. 

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse 

Once you have realized that you are in a relationship with a narcissist, breaking up is usually the best course of action as it limits further emotional distress. However, separation can be difficult as the narcissist will often use the tactics described above to reel you back. The abuse cycle can often leave you doubting your own reality, too, making it hard to distance yourself as you may be convinced that you are overreacting. 

Those who have been victims of narcissistic abuse may experience numerous physical and emotional repercussions both during and after they exit the relationship. These include: feelings of isolation, self doubt, and guilt; difficulties making decisions; a loss of identity; headaches, loss of appetite, and insomnia; and mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. 

Cutting contact completely with a narcissist is one of the best ways to move on from the relationship. Doing so removes their access to you and prevents hoovering. If you cannot cut contact, grey-rocking — or responding with little to no emotional engagement–  is one way to cope when communication is necessary. 

How New Perspective Counseling can Help

Seeking professional support through therapy can be highly beneficial both when realizing you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, and/or when you decide to leave. A narcissistic relationship can be incredibly traumatic, and the therapists at New Perspective Counseling can help you work through difficulties, gain insights, and develop strategies to lead a more fulfilling and balanced life after leaving your relationship. Make an appointment with one of our licensed therapists today.